A State of Constant Spin

Did you know? I am a lamp post that sings in the rain.

Come on now, in through the nose… out through the mouth.

But I feel like a balloon if I breathe that way. I sneezed. Did you know? I am a horse galloping backwards.

You know I hate those.

Hate what?

The ‘did you knows…’ They’re weird and I don’t like them.

I sneezed and hiccupped at the same time.

What’s up with you?

I just can’t shake the sneezes.

Try again?

I began to shake myself. Between convulsions my eyes focused and I finally became aware of my surroundings. It appeared… It was clear I was being helped. It was unclear as to by whom or with what. Am I drunk? I had to ask as my focus had been momentary.

You said you were smoking crack.

Well that was a joke. At least I hoped it was. It was probably just kitty litter anyway.

What are you… nevermind. So what DID you do tonight?

The better question is what didn’t I do?

Come on, tell me!

Did you know? I am a coffee farmer with three beans.

Don’t change the subject.

Are you jealous?

You’re talking crazy! I just want to know where you went.

And who I was with and what I was doing and….

Yes all that.

I forced my focus. Wait… what’s the subject?

You might as well be talking to yourself.

I opened my eyes and found that I was.

---

I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. My eyes were closed again and it wasn’t long until…
You’re not alone, I’m here.

No you aren’t.

Of course I am.

Then why can’t I see you?

I don’t know. That’s your problem, not mine.

Am I drunk?

Yes.

I wasn't going to be fooled so easily. I had been drunk before. Did you know? It feels like I’m answering my own questions.

Fine! Don’t listen to me; I was only trying to help.

I can help myself! That was out of character. Sorry.

You know I hate it when you apologize.

Sorry. Oops.

---

Whoever I was talking to was confusing me to the point of crazy.

How long are we going to sit here?

We’re not doing anything. I’m sitting here.

Fine, how long are you going to just sit here?

For as long as it takes.

For as long as what takes?

For you to show yourself.

I thought I wasn’t real.

A thought hit me. This wasn’t just a single voice. This was a collage of people – a collaboration of ideas that I had only known to exist separately before. I was conversing with a conglomeration of all my past loves. So I asked… Who are you?

Are you sure you only drank tonight?

I’m sure of nothing. I pondered for a moment what could have been in my veins before I added… I definitely wasn’t smoking crack.

You said that.

Oh.

Not to be done in by the talkative ones, the quiet amassed and asserted themselves and the voice lay silent. I felt a hand holding mine – finally proof! – she must be real, whoever she is. Mustering ever sober molecule I had left I opened my eyes… Nothing. I was holding an invisible hand. I can see you, but I can’t feel you.

That’s what she said! Ot oh, the mean ones were making an appearance.

I laughed.

Why are you laughing?

You’re funny… and I meant it the other way around anyway.

What?

I can feel, can’t see… Silence. I wondered how long I was going to be sitting here by myself.
So am I real or not?

You’re asking me? I laughed again.

Yup.

Maybe less real than before, or at least less than I thought before… before I opened my eyes. Before I realized what you represent. You’re a voice only and I can hear it… I mean you, and hearing is a sense, and I’m not sure I making sense, but at least that’s some semblance of reality.

What are you on about?

Even if you were real, and I’m not saying you aren’t…

You just did… you are.

Whatever. Even if you are real I would still be talking to myself.

What an incredibly arrogant thing to say.

No, no, no. Let my explain… no matter what you say, or whatever was said by those who came before you – no matter what it was – I can’t hear it without interpreting it.

What am I a word problem?

I continued without answering. It’s all about spin you see. A pause for dramatic effect. The pieces that make up our very atoms are differentiated by spin. Weather patterns, ocean currents, our planet, the Heaven’s themselves: they all spin!

So…?

So! So, our minds spin too, but we can control that spin.

We can?

The spin is the interpretation. In the end it’s not what’s said that really matters, it’s the spin… the intent followed by interpretation.

You’re being sensational I believe.

The opposite! Sensations are interchangeable. The power is in here! I tried to point to my own forehead for emphasis but only wound up poking myself in the eye. Oww.

Aww, are you okay my dear? An invisible kiss like the ghost of a butterfly.

Stop. I shrugged off those who weren’t there. This isn’t me anymore. All of you guys…

All of us? Who else is there? The jealous ones…

I’ve outgrown you and it’s time for something new. And with that I spun them off, got up, and for the first time in what felt like weeks, I slept.